O™

This is to announce that we have patented oxygen. This brand will now be known as O™.

We consider the decision to be the right one given the possibility of a world shortage of oxygen caused by global warming. This has driven our decision to monetize this precious resource in order to maximize shareholder value.

How this will affect you

You will still have the right to breathe oxygen. However, you will be billed £999.99 plus VAT per month if you choose this commodity to sustain your life needs. Failure to pay may result in the supply being cut off (so may the ability to pay, but that’s another story).

Exemptions

Some of you may think that breathing in itself will give you the right to exemption from the monthly charge. However, anyone who wishes to consume O™ will have to pay. If, however, you die during a billing period, you may later apply for a refund for the unused O™.

The extra hot air emitted by politicians consumes an elevated amount of O™. This excess amount will be funded by the taxpayer.

Precedent

Legal challenges have been made to the proposed charge on the grounds that people cannot help breathing in order to stay alive. However, there are precedents, such as the Community Charge and the Council Tax, which amount to no more than a tax on the air we breathe. The patenting of ADN is another precedent. The current measure is simply a transfer of tax from the public sector into private hands. This measure has been taken because we believe that the private sector knows better than the politicians how to add value to O™.

Additional royalties

Apart from the charge on breathing, a charge of £0.97 + VAT will be charged for each use of the letter “o” in any written text, whether published or written on a PC. (Capital letters are charged at £1.26.) There is no need to take any extra action. Each time you type an “o” on your computer, a signal will be automatically generated and sent to the collecting agency (OxCatch Inc.), who will deduct the appropriate amount from your bank account. A monthly invoice will be e-mailed to you each month.

Extra charges

Extra charges will be levied on the following:

– grumblers (each repetition of the word “Ooooh!” to be charged at £1.75 + VAT per second)

– singers (extended vocalizations on vowel sounds like “o” (£4.56 + VAT per second) and “oo” (£9 + VAT per second)

– the Olympic committee (for permission to use the symbol OOOOO, £37.89 per square metre display; however, their licence will be funded by the taxpayer.)